He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
