This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
