What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
