My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
