i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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