It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I need to calm my uterus...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
