I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
