Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
