sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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