It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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