My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Randomize
