I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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