My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
