he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
