Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
