new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
