The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
