My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
