I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I want her autograph on my taint
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Randomize
