I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
