he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
