so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I fill condoms, not promises.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
