if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
