My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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