whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
