Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
