He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
