Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
