i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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