I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
