New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
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