So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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