4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
