Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
