guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I can't turn off my feet"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
