She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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