what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
