Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
