I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
