I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
