lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
