You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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