yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
