i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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