Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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