Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
