How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
