I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
