I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
