I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
